Hello Fans!

Al Dente & Lester Moore

We'd like to start off by giving a big fat "Thank you" to all of our fans who have taken the time to write to Vanilla Pop during the past 15 17 years. 

While some of you know that we are a pretty phenomenal and somewhat successful "Vegas-Meets-80's And Beyond" dance band (website), many of you do not know that we have also been moonlighting as advice giving, self proclaimed know-it-alls for the past I can't remember.

Santa should be so lucky

From sharing our personal preferences about mascara and vodka, to doling out slightly misdirected medical advice, we've held your hand as you've applied your first fake moustache, shaken your first martini and treated that recurring cold sore. 
 
After much thought, we felt that it was time to share your letters and our advice with the rest of the world so that they too might be able to garner a bit of sage advice and wisdom from our wealth of indispensable and seemingly endless trove of knowledge and know-how.

 

Vanilla Pop- doing what we do best.

As professional musicians who have spent much of the past decade in dive bars, swanky clubs, roach motels, gas and police stations, we have seen a slice of America not many  get to witness. 

Life on the road has made us strong, but more importantly, it has made us wise. Oh and tired...very, very tired.

But we love our jobs and couldn't imagine doing anything else because honestly, we have no other real talents or abilities between the two of us. (Unless you consider walking around the streets of Albuquerque with a tin can and a squeegee a "talent".)  Luckily the band thing has worked out very well, and currently remains the best "day job" we could have ever hoped for.

Our Playground

The fans

This blog showcases the best and most intriguing letters from our fans. And while not all of our advice is advice which you should take, we believe we have done a pretty good job at keeping those of you who seem to be a bit misdirected, from doing a nose dive right off the stage and breaking your drunken face. 

We do our best to reply to as many of your letters as possible. Our apologies to those of you who have not heard back from us. Some responses are simply not worth the effort. There are a few things you guys should be able to figure out on your own.

Thanks to all of our dedicated fans for coming out to our shows during the past 15 17 years. We look forward to guiding you towards perfection during the next 20.


Keep those cards and letters coming!  
Love always...  

Al Dente & Lester Moore
Vanilla Pop 

Let's go...

Lester and myself arriving in Toronto for the
"Filthiest city with the most apathetic inhabitants" celebration.

The first official "Know Your Vanilla Pop Show" music quiz!

Hello and welcome to the first official "Know Your Vanilla Pop Show" quiz. It's time to test your knowledge to see if you guys are actually paying attention to the music, or if you're all too busy trying to "get busy" with another fan. 

Take your time...you got this.
Here we go...


1. Just a small town girl living _____

a. on a prayer 
b. la vida loca
c. in a lonely world
d. on the edge poverty because of the ever widening rift between the upper and middle class


2. When I woke up, Mom and Dad Are_____

a. rolling on the couch
b. fighting as usual
c. kicking the crap out of me
d. swapping


3. Now I know I've got to- run away I've got to_____

a. lower the seat
b. get away
c. grow up and stop relying on my family for money
d. ease up on the porn

4. Sing us a song you’re the _____

a. piano man
b. rocket man
c. burning man
d. best darn cover band in the whole freaking wide world


5. People always told me be careful what you do, don't go around breaking _____

a. up is hard to do
b. young girls' hearts
c. bread
d. my cojones


6. The Devil went down to Georgia, he was lookin' for _____

a. a soul to steal
b. a decent cup of coffee
c. a nice Jewish girl
d. someone who wasn't a complete racist


7. Oh baby, I want to get wit'cha and take your _____

a. virginity
b. sister
c. artificial limb
d. picture


8. What you doin' on your back? You should be _____

a. out looking for a job
b. dancing
c. making me coffee
d. making these knots tighter


9. Moving forward using all my breath, making love to you was _____

a. a nice way to take a nap
b. the most miserable moment of my life
c. never second best 
d. almost as good as masturbating


10. Don't touch me please I cannot stand the way you _____ 

a. breathe
b. tease
c. clink your spoon when you're stirring your coffee
d. watch me urinate



11. Oh I love my Rosie child you got the way to make me_____

a. happy
b. miserable
c. breakfast
d. meshuggenah


12. Touch if you will my stomach feel how it _____

a. hangs over the top of my pants 
b. is full of your seed
c. trembles inside
d. still has stretch marks

That's all folks! Hopefully there weren't too many stumpers for you in this round. The correct answers will be posted next week. Stay tuned for more "Know your Vanilla Pop Show" quizzes in the future and remember...paying attention is always free.

Love...

Al & Les
vanillapop.com

Q: When the sun explodes, will we have a few minutes to get our affairs in order, or will we all just incinerate simultaneously without any warning?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off, I just want to say that I love your show. You guys rock.

While brushing my teeth the other morning, I looked out the window and wondered...when the sun finally explodes, will we see it happen and have the eight minutes it takes for light to reach the Earth to get our sh*t together, or will we not know about it until we are all running around on fire?

I understand that it would probably start to get hotter right away because of all the sun matter coming at us, but just how quickly will this happen and how hot will it get minute by minute? 

Sincerely,

-Scared about burning up without ample warning

Q: Why don't Thai restaurants simplify the 1-5 heat scale?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great.
I've been wondering... why do Thai restaurants give you the option of 1-5 hot when you order a curry dish? Why don't they just offer "mild, medium or hot" like the green Chile you buy here in New Mexico, and make it a whole lot easier for us to order?

It's so confusing with so many choices.
Thanks in advance. 
Sincerely,

Keep It Simple Thai restaurants

Q: I'm looking for original wedding ideas. Can you help?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off, I just want to say that I love your show. You guys are great.

I'm getting married next year and was wondering if you knew of some current, cool "must haves" for weddings? Since we are paying for the wedding ourselves, cost is definitely a concern. While we don't want to skimp, we'd like to save some money if we can.

I know you guys get hired for a lot of weddings, and I'd love to hear your thoughts as to what you think would make my wedding day truly unique and memorable. (Without being too expensive.)

Thanks so much! You guys rock!

-Want an original wedding

This would be different right?

Q: Why does Herpes have more Facebook likes than Vanilla Pop?

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great, but I've been wondering, how come Herpes has more Facebook likes than you guys?

I mean it's not like herpes is talented or looks good in sequins. As far as I know, it doesn't do anything other than ruin your life.

I really don't understand how the hell anyone could actually like herpes. How about liking the Mumps? I could totally get with that. I mean what's not to like? Just saying the word is fun. Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps. 

Why so mumpy?

Plus all you get from the Mumps is a little headache, slight fever and a swollen face that'll make you look like Ted Kennedy or that fat guy from Game Of Thrones for a couple of days, not a shiny, festering, juice filled lesion that decides to show up the day before your date with that chick you met at the laundromat.

Last time I checked, Mumps had about half the "likes" Vanilla Pop has, and herpes has more than four times the amount you do.

Hopefully you'll publish my letter and we can get people to stop "liking" Herpes on Facebook. There's just no way it should be more popular than you guys.

Thanks in advance.

-A guy whose lip looks like it was gnawed on by a raccoon

Herpes could never rock this.

Q: How can I score an Asian wife?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great.

A friend of mine told me that Al just got back from a month long trip to Vietnam. Is this true? If so all I can say is I am soooo jealous! I've always wanted to go to Asia but unfortunately, I've just never been able to afford it. (Vanilla Pop must be doing really well!)

My question (for Al) is this:

Are Vietnamese girls as pretty in real life as they are on the Internet? How difficult is it to meet one, and are they all wanting to marry American guys so they can move here to the states to see an elevator and have a hamburger whenever they want? 

I've always had a thing for Asian women, but since there aren't a lot of them here in Muncie, I'm seriously thinking about scraping the funds together to make a trip over there. I just need to know that I'm definitely coming back with some Hamachi.

For the record I'm currently married to a lovely woman, but she's just so not Asian.

If you give me the green light, I'd like to book my flight and get a head start on the divorce proceedings ASAP.

Please let me know your thoughts on this matter.

Thanks!

Sincerely,
Tired of my non-Asian wife.

This would make me happy.

Q: Why the hell don't you New Mexico drivers ever use your damn turn signals?!

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I want to say how much I love your show. You guys are great.

Here's my issue. I moved to New Mexico from Little Rock Arkansas about a year ago, and have noticed that you New Mexico drivers rarely, if ever, use those things the rest of us refer to as "turn signals". I can't tell you how many times I've almost rear ended one of you clowns because you decided to turn on a whim at the last minute without using your blinker. Is it the altitude? The low wages? All that green chile? What?

Aside from being incredibly reckless, I feel that this sort of behavior is just plain rude and inconsiderate. I mean it's not like it takes a ton of effort to move the little turn signal stick up or down to let the guy behind you know what you're about to do.

Seriously. You people should all be driving rickshaws.

Sincerely,
Tired of people not using their turn signals

Q: Can I sit in with the band?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just want to tell you how much I love your show. You guys are great.

Anyway, you guys are performing for my sister's wedding next September, and I was wondering... what are the chances of me sitting in with you guys for a couple of numbers? I'm an attorney by trade, but I've always loved music, I'm a decent guitar player, and I've been told I have a pretty good voice.

I've looked over your song list and there are at least 10 or so that I could do right off the bat. I think people would really enjoy seeing me play with you guys for a few songs. (Or even a whole set if that's cool.)

Thoughts?

Sincerely,
What are the odds of me sitting in with you guys?

Me jamming at home.

Q: Any tips on how to win the Powerball?

Dear Vanilla Pop: 

First off I just want to tell you how much I love your show. You guys are great.

So I remember you guys did that New Mexico Powerball commercial a few years ago (which was awesome BTW), and I'm wondering if the Powerball people possibly gave you any tips or pointers on how to win that thing.

I've been playing the Powerball for the past 4 or 5 years, and needless to say, I have yet to win any substantial amount of money, let alone the big jackpot. I'll get like 2 numbers in one game and 1 number in another if I'm lucky. Honestly...it's getting a little disheartening.

 

Aaarrrggghhhh!

Don't get me wrong- I enjoy the time spent fantasizing about what I'm going to do with all that money, like get that Bosley procedure and go to Disneyland. (Is it Disneyland or World that's in Florida?) The one in Florida is the one I'm talking about. I heard that the one in California is all rickety and vegetarian and stuff.

Anyway, every week when they draw the winning numbers, like clockwork I come up empty handed.

Here's my offer:

I will totally give you guys a million dollars from my winnings if you can help me out. I've already blown through my kids college fund and we're one meal away from eating Tuna Helper Helper. Any advice or inside information you could give me would be hugely appreciated.

P.S. I've watched your TV commercial about a hundred times to see if I could pick up any secret code or message you may have been sending out, but I haven't really seen or heard anything other than that great song.
Thanks so much!

Sincerely,
Tired of losing at Powerball

Q: My girlfriend wants me to shave my nether region. What's up with that?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great.

Here's my issue. My girlfriend recently got her bikini line waxed, and afterwards, suggested that I do some trimming down there as well. When I asked why, she said she feels my under-carriage has gotten a bit out of control, and that a little spring cleaning might be a good thing. 

Now I'm all for making my girl happy, but honestly- I feel that it should be OK for a guy to be a bit hairy down there since we're men and all. I'm not into all that girly stuff and don't think it's fitting for a guy to do that to his nether regional area parts.

Can you back me up on this and explain to her that we're men, and that all that trimming and waxing stuff is not what we do? 

The thought of a pair of scissors anywhere near my willie gives me the willies.

Thanks in advance!

Sincerely,
I shouldn't have to trim anything right?

Q: Should I be concerned about a restaurant messing with my food?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great.

Ever since a friend of mine who used to work in the restaurant industry told me that she and the staff would do gross things to people's food if the customer was rude or just high maintenance, I find it difficult to go out to eat.

I think I'm a pretty good customer when I dine out, but still, it makes me a bit nervous that I might be eating something which has been tampered with.

Should I be concerned?

Thanks guys!

Sincerely,
Nervous about going out to eat