Q: Why don't Thai restaurants simplify the 1-5 heat scale?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great.
I've been wondering... why do Thai restaurants give you the option of 1-5 hot when you order a curry dish? Why don't they just offer "mild, medium or hot" like the green Chile you buy here in New Mexico, and make it a whole lot easier for us to order?

It's so confusing with so many choices.
Thanks in advance. 
Sincerely,

Keep It Simple Thai restaurants

Q: I'm looking for original wedding ideas. Can you help?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off, I just want to say that I love your show. You guys are great.

I'm getting married next year and was wondering if you knew of some current, cool "must haves" for weddings? Since we are paying for the wedding ourselves, cost is definitely a concern. While we don't want to skimp, we'd like to save some money if we can.

I know you guys get hired for a lot of weddings, and I'd love to hear your thoughts as to what you think would make my wedding day truly unique and memorable. (Without being too expensive.)

Thanks so much! You guys rock!

-Want an original wedding

This would be different right?

Q: Why does Herpes have more Facebook likes than Vanilla Pop?

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great, but I've been wondering, how come Herpes has more Facebook likes than you guys?

I mean it's not like herpes is talented or looks good in sequins. As far as I know, it doesn't do anything other than ruin your life.

I really don't understand how the hell anyone could actually like herpes. How about liking the Mumps? I could totally get with that. I mean what's not to like? Just saying the word is fun. Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps. 

Why so mumpy?

Plus all you get from the Mumps is a little headache, slight fever and a swollen face that'll make you look like Ted Kennedy or that fat guy from Game Of Thrones for a couple of days, not a shiny, festering, juice filled lesion that decides to show up the day before your date with that chick you met at the laundromat.

Last time I checked, Mumps had about half the "likes" Vanilla Pop has, and herpes has more than four times the amount you do.

Hopefully you'll publish my letter and we can get people to stop "liking" Herpes on Facebook. There's just no way it should be more popular than you guys.

Thanks in advance.

-A guy whose lip looks like it was gnawed on by a raccoon

Herpes could never rock this.

Q: How can I score an Asian wife?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great.

A friend of mine told me that Al just got back from a month long trip to Vietnam. Is this true? If so all I can say is I am soooo jealous! I've always wanted to go to Asia but unfortunately, I've just never been able to afford it. (Vanilla Pop must be doing really well!)

My question (for Al) is this:

Are Vietnamese girls as pretty in real life as they are on the Internet? How difficult is it to meet one, and are they all wanting to marry American guys so they can move here to the states to see an elevator and have a hamburger whenever they want? 

I've always had a thing for Asian women, but since there aren't a lot of them here in Muncie, I'm seriously thinking about scraping the funds together to make a trip over there. I just need to know that I'm definitely coming back with some Hamachi.

For the record I'm currently married to a lovely woman, but she's just so not Asian.

If you give me the green light, I'd like to book my flight and get a head start on the divorce proceedings ASAP.

Please let me know your thoughts on this matter.

Thanks!

Sincerely,
Tired of my non-Asian wife.

This would make me happy.

Q: Why the hell don't you New Mexico drivers ever use your damn turn signals?!

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I want to say how much I love your show. You guys are great.

Here's my issue. I moved to New Mexico from Little Rock Arkansas about a year ago, and have noticed that you New Mexico drivers rarely, if ever, use those things the rest of us refer to as "turn signals". I can't tell you how many times I've almost rear ended one of you clowns because you decided to turn on a whim at the last minute without using your blinker. Is it the altitude? The low wages? All that green chile? What?

Aside from being incredibly reckless, I feel that this sort of behavior is just plain rude and inconsiderate. I mean it's not like it takes a ton of effort to move the little turn signal stick up or down to let the guy behind you know what you're about to do.

Seriously. You people should all be driving rickshaws.

Sincerely,
Tired of people not using their turn signals