Q: How come you guys don't use a live drummer?

Dear Vanilla Pop:
First off, I just want to say that I love your show. You guys are great.

My friends and I have always been curious...how come you guys choose to use pre-recorded drum tracks during your shows as opposed to having a real drummer? You are both such talented musicians, I'd think that any drummer would chomp at the bit to play with you guys.

Not saying you guys NEED a drummer. Just curious as to why you don't HAVE a drummer.

Thanks!-Wondering why you guys don't have a drummer.
P.S. I'm a drummer

Me

DEAR WWYGDHAD:

Thanks for your letter. We get asked that question like never. I think the answer is quite obvious. To most people anyway.

We don't use a drummer because of the fact that using a drummer would entail us having to be around a drummer. I don't know if our readers ever had the opportunity to spend some quality time with those people, but I'd rather spend the day birthing horned triplets than have to endure that kind of agony.

Drummers like to do two things: Play forever and all your drugs.

I remember this one drummer in another band I was in. He took such a forever drum solo that the rest of us went home, did some laundry and came back to finish the song two hours later. At that point there were like six people left in the audience, two of whom were crickets trying to gnaw each others heads off in order to end their misery.

 

When drummers overplay

The thing is...drummers have no sense of time. Not TIMING, but time. Have you ever known a drummer to show up when they're supposed to? No. Have you ever known a drummer to stop playing and let somebody else have a turn? No. That's because they live in an alternate universe. A universe that is on a different time-space continuum altogether. It is also a very loud universe- filled with a lot of cymbals and incessant snare drum hits which is why most drummers start every sentence with "What?"

Next to D.J.'s, drummers are the bottom feeders of the music industry. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Pay for the pizza. This joke reflects the fact that most drummers are unemployed because of their inability to stay in a band for more than ten days. That's usually around the time the drugs run out. 

The other reason we don't have a drummer is because we are incredibly cheap. There I said it. Running your own business is very expensive drummer boy. You think these clothes buy themselves? Why would we pay another musician who is just going to dive into our stash, get the munchies and wind up eating a whole lot of the cash pie? Plus- drummers are notorious for stealing the hot chicks and that makes me and Lester very upset.

In addition, the whole drummer thing makes no sense since today's technology makes it so easy to get around this issue. We program all of our drums into our synthesizers which never slow down...and never speed up. A synthesizer can also count to four without needing a drink. And finally, the songs we cover wouldn't sound half as good if they were played on a real drum kit. Electronic drums are where it's at my friend. Try dancing to a Michael Jackson song with some deaf long hair banging on a regular drum kit. Blech. No thank you.

This is under wraps, but Lester and myself are currently in the process of figuring out how to replace both Lester and myself as well. We figure if we didn't have to be at the shows all the time, we could be busy doing other things- like booking the band and more laundry. We'll let you know how it works out. 

Hope this clarifies.
Best....Vanilla Pop 

P.S. If we ever DO get a drummer, this is the guy we're calling- 

The ideal Vanilla Pop drummer. 

We hear he's finally sober and we have no problem dealing with a hairball on stage every now and then.