Q: Why the hell don't you New Mexico drivers ever use your damn turn signals?!

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I want to say how much I love your show. You guys are great.

Here's my issue. I moved to New Mexico from Little Rock Arkansas about a year ago, and have noticed that you New Mexico drivers rarely, if ever, use those things the rest of us refer to as "turn signals". I can't tell you how many times I've almost rear ended one of you clowns because you decided to turn on a whim at the last minute without using your blinker. Is it the altitude? The low wages? All that green chile? What?

Aside from being incredibly reckless, I feel that this sort of behavior is just plain rude and inconsiderate. I mean it's not like it takes a ton of effort to move the little turn signal stick up or down to let the guy behind you know what you're about to do.

Seriously. You people should all be driving rickshaws.

Sincerely,
Tired of people not using their turn signals

Dear TOPNUTTS:

For the record, my mom drives a rickshaw, so back off.

Anyway...thanks so much for your letter.

As a person who moved here from such a fast paced, urban metropolis as Little Rock, I can see where it would be difficult for you to understand the way things work here in the Land of Enchantment.

The answer to your question is simple-

It's very difficult to use your turn signal when one hand is on the wheel and the other is holding your Tecate.

I know you're thinking that we could just hold our beer between our thighs, freeing up the "turn signal" hand, but since most of us in New Mexico are still driving stick shifts, you're looking at no less than 4 simultaneous maneuvers just to make a left. New Mexicans are talented but we're not neurosurgeons. We know the dangers of driving while multitasking.

WTF!

If you've ever driven at night, you may have also noticed that most of us don't lower our high beams for oncoming cars either. It's not that we're not courteous; it's just that we'd rather blind a stranger for a few seconds than take our minds off the road and wind up in the emergency room. (Like I said before, it's a "multi-tasking while driving" issue). Plus, since we're all driving around without insurance, you can imagine the hefty medical bill we'd have to pay, leaving us less money for meth.

But I bet you didn't know that while New Mexico ranks first in alcohol related automobile crashes, oddly enough it ranks 25th in crash "fatalities". Not bad huh? That's because most New Mexicans drive at least 30 miles under the speed limit at all times, due to the fact that most of the drivers out here are well into their 80's. You can't go fast if you can't see over the dashboard.



Since you're a newcomer to these parts and may be unfamiliar with our particular customs and habits, we here at Vanilla Pop industries have compiled a few guidelines to help you adjust to the land of mañana.
And now...a small sampling of "The Vanilla Pop Guide to New Mexico Living"...

On The Road
The only time we use our horns is to say hello. One beep- "What's Up?" Two beeps- "Do you have an extra Tecate?"
Feel like tossing your trash out your car window? Go right ahead. It gets so windy here in the spring, that most of it winds up in Texas anyway.

If we need to make a left turn, and the traffic light is green but there is still some oncoming traffic in the opposite lane, a New Mexico driver will never move up into the intersection like they do in every other state. That way when the signal turns red, we are well behind the white line of the cross walk, and get to sit there for another series of lights while we enjoy our lovely New Mexico scenery.

"One...hundred...and...fifty...seven...dollars...and...twenty...eight....cents

Shopping

Most of us are still writing checks when we are "Checking" out at the supermarket. We feel that there is nothing quite like a good ol' paper trail to keep our bank account balanced and in order. Plus it gives us a chance to catch up on some gossip with the cashier.

M: "Hey Loretta, how's your dad?"
L: "Eee not so good. Some vato rear ended him while he was turning."
M: "Did he have his blinker on?"

On line and in a rush? Relax and enjoy this month's "People".






Free Dogs!

Need a puppy? Drive into any Walmart parking lot, and chances are there's someone with a bag full of Chihuahuas or some other Franken-breed ready to haggle. You can usually negotiate a 2 for 1 deal, or at the very least, trade them a ride to the liquor store in exchange for your new best friend. Such a deal!

 


New Mexicans eat either one burrito or one Blake's Lotaburger per day.

In some homes lard is used as a vegetable.

And Finally...

In Raton, it's illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street while wearing a kimono.

Those are just a handful of tips on getting by here in New Mexico. If you're looking for more advice on how to survive in the Land of mañana, you'll be glad to know that we are currently compiling a more extensive list, which will soon be published in our upcoming book: "Living La Vida Local: How to move out of whatever crappy state you're currently living in, and risk it all in New Mexico."

In closing, if you're really concerned about rear-ending someone because they might decide to turn at a moment's notice without using their signal, my advice to you is to just start passing all the cars ahead of you until you are in the front of the line. And don't pay any attention to that pesky double yellow line. No one else does.

Remember...if you consistently expect us to do the opposite of what common sense would dictate, you'll be fine.Thanks again for your letter TOPNUTTS!

"Beep, beep!"
-Vanilla Pop


PS - For the record, my dad is a big fan of the turn signal. I know this because he leaves the thing on for the entire length of the New Jersey Turnpike. (While doing 50 in the left lane.)