Q: How can I score an Asian wife?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great.

A friend of mine told me that Al just got back from a month long trip to Vietnam. Is this true? If so all I can say is I am soooo jealous! I've always wanted to go to Asia but unfortunately, I've just never been able to afford it. (Vanilla Pop must be doing really well!)

My question (for Al) is this:

Are Vietnamese girls as pretty in real life as they are on the Internet? How difficult is it to meet one, and are they all wanting to marry American guys so they can move here to the states to see an elevator and have a hamburger whenever they want? 

I've always had a thing for Asian women, but since there aren't a lot of them here in Muncie, I'm seriously thinking about scraping the funds together to make a trip over there. I just need to know that I'm definitely coming back with some Hamachi.

For the record I'm currently married to a lovely woman, but she's just so not Asian.

If you give me the green light, I'd like to book my flight and get a head start on the divorce proceedings ASAP.

Please let me know your thoughts on this matter.

Thanks!

Sincerely,
Tired of my non-Asian wife.

This would make me happy.

Dear TOMNAW:

There are several things in this world that do not go well together. They are: drinking and driving, politics and religion, sex and blow, and lastly... Vietnamese girls and marriage.

It's true that I went to Vietnam, and it's true that Vietnamese girls are the most beautiful on the planet (the internet truly does not do them justice). And yes, many of them seem to be fairly anxious to meet a nice American man (or any Westerner for that matter.) But it's not the elevators stupid, it's the fact that us Westerners can offer a Vietnamese girl something that no Vietnamese man can...dairy products. 

Mmmm...Dairy Products

Ever try to get a side of sour cream with your spring rolls or a glass of milk with your sushi? You can't, at least not over there. They've never seen a snowflake, a beard, or a slice of Swiss cheese. And while they do have milk, it's that condensed, sweetened garbage they put in their coffee. I don't know about you, but if I grew up in a world without leche or queso, I'd do anything to get my hands on it, including marrying some fat dairy farmer from Wisconsin. 

Now I don't know who spread the rumor that that they are so lactose intolerant, that even the smallest amount of dairy will kill them faster than a dog eating an M&M, but that is complete hooey. I went to an underground fondue party one night, and the only casualty was some dude who punctured his eye while using a fork for the first time. Let's lay this myth to rest.

What a klutz.

Now for the bad news.

I can understand your desire to acquire a nice Vietnamese woman, however; meeting one for a weekend or month-long fling is very different from taking one home to marry. Be careful what you wish for. 

The Sex

One of the problems with long-term relationships with Vietnamese girls is that they have an insatiable sexual appetite. Do you really want to be woken up every morning at 5AM with the best oral sex of your life? I don't know about you, but I cherish my sleep. 

Being a musician who keeps crazy hours, I hardly get enough as it is. If I'm catching up on some much needed Z's, the last thing I want is some young, Asian nymphomaniac getting busy with me when I'm just entering my REM cycle. No thank you to that.

Way too early

The Looks

Another problem is that they are so damn beautiful, it makes it impossible to do anything else but just sit and stare at them. Why would any man want to do that all day? I've got driving to do, video games to play and ball games to watch. How on Earth would I possibly be able to do all that when all I can do is gawk at my new uber-hot, young, Asian nymphomaniac wife?  

It wasn't until I returned from Vietnam a few weeks ago that I realized...I don't even remember one single piece of Vietnamese architecture! I can't recall seeing any museums, wildlife or sunsets for that matter. I was hoping to come back with a few fond memories of my travels, but all I came back with are images of young, attractive, smiling Asian girls burned into my retinas. Fun vacation? I don't think so.

Four weeks and this is all I can remember.

The Service

As if all of this weren't enough to wisen you up, you need to know that Vietnamese chicks are way too quick to wait on you hand and foot. As soon as you think, "Hey, I'd like a martini right about now.” there they are, shaker in one hand and a martini glass in the other. They don't even give you the OPTION of making it yourself. It's all "Let me get that for you, I'll open that for you, do you want another foot massage?" and that sort of nonsense. I don't know about you, but I need my exercise. A trip to the kitchen every once in awhile is good for me.

The Cooking

When they're not bringing you alcohol, rubbing your feet, or begging for sex, they're busy whipping up some Pho or some other impossible to make Vietnamese dish.
This dashes any hopes of having a nice conversation with your new bride.
B-O-R-I-N-G. Plus their grasp of the English language is usually minimal at best and eventually you will come to miss all of that complaining that comes with traditional Western marriage.

And lastly...they're terrible swimmers. Honestly, the only time they'll get in the water is to give you a bubble bath. That's because they're so tiny, they just sink to the bottom due to lack of buoyancy. As you can guess this becomes a nightmare situation if your boat were to capsize or if your plane were forced to make an emergency landing in the ocean, as you will be faced with the dilemma of saving yourself, or going back for your uber-hot, young, Asian, nymphomaniac, drowning wife. If they do finally learn how to swim, they are still plagued by those tiny feet, which makes it impossible for them to get up any speed at all. They will be constantly lagging behind you, which turns a fun day at the pool into a day of wading around. Get it? Wading? Waiting? Oh I do kill me sometimes.

Add to this their near flawless complexion which just makes your ruddy old dude face seem even more ruddy looking, a sweet disposition which will ultimately make your friends hate you, and the fact that they never hog the bathroom in the morning because they prefer pooping in a hole in the yard, and you've got yourself one big recipe for misery.

Go on in!

So take my advice and stay married to your pale, "get it yourself", libido-less, clown footed, meat loaf making, constantly in the bathroom wife my friend. A life of comfort, happiness and sexual bliss with your new found wife may make you the most content man in Muncie, but it will ultimately spoil you, making it impossible for you to find love elsewhere after she drowns. 

Sincerely, 
Al (you'll thank me one day) Dente

vanillapop.com