Q: Can I sit in with the band?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just want to tell you how much I love your show. You guys are great.

Anyway, you guys are performing for my sister's wedding next September, and I was wondering... what are the chances of me sitting in with you guys for a couple of numbers? I'm an attorney by trade, but I've always loved music, I'm a decent guitar player, and I've been told I have a pretty good voice.

I've looked over your song list and there are at least 10 or so that I could do right off the bat. I think people would really enjoy seeing me play with you guys for a few songs. (Or even a whole set if that's cool.)

Thoughts?

Sincerely,
What are the odds of me sitting in with you guys?

Me jamming at home.

Dear WATOOMSIWYG:

Sure you can. 


As soon as I can come into your courtroom, plead the case for the defense and start cross-examining a few key witnesses, feel free to hop up on stage and jam away. I'm a musician by trade, but I've always loved "Law and Order", I'm a decent debater, and I've been told I look pretty good in a suit.

Here's the thing...the problem with people who aren't really 'musicians', is that so many of you think that you are. Did you know that my mom also plays guitar? As does my aunt and half the population of Earth. That's why you can't cross the street in Paris to get a croissant, without hearing some French dude with an empty tip jar butchering a Tom Waits number.

Let me tell you something. Your friends are only telling you that you have a good voice when you're in the room. Behind your back, they're putting toilet paper in their ears to soak up all that blood. Do you think your sister wants to pay us our exorbitant fee just so she can listen to you dismember a Journey song which she can hear you do every other day of the year?

We've actually let guys like you sit in with us in the past, and believe me when I tell you that by forbidding you to come anywhere near the stage, we are doing you a big fat freaking favor by saving you the embarrassment of going back to your table, and having to face your friends and family, all of whom will be asking themselves, "What the hell was he thinking, and how can I possibly be related to this moron?"
On top of that you're most likely going to be drunk that night. You're probably drunk right now aren't you? AREN'T YOU WATOOMSIWYG?!!! How else could you muster up the cojones to ask us a question like that???

Let me ask you something my delirious friend.When you go out to eat in a restaurant, do you go into the kitchen and ask the chef if you could toss on an apron and whip up a nice hollandaise sauce because after all, you made a mean omelet in college and hollandaise has eggs in it too right?

When you get on a plane, do you ask the pilot if you could strap in and steer for a couple of minutes because quite honestly, you kick ass on the flight simulator at home on the Xbox, and it's gotta be the same, otherwise why would they call it a "simulator" right? 

When you pass a building that's on fire, do you get out of your car and ask the nice fireman if you could hold the hose for a while because c'mon, you hold the hose real good back home when you water the tomatoes, and a hose is a hose right?

Hey lemme do that!

When you go to the amusement park, do you ask the guy who's running the Ferris wheel if you could man the controls for a while because hey, the stick shift on your new Porsche probably works just like that one, and how difficult can it be doing the job of a Carney because after all, they're all high as kites and have the combined IQ of a napkin right?

When you're at the hospital visiting your wife's mom who's about to have her big toe removed because she could just never say "No" to sugar and wound up getting type II diabetes a few years back, do you bust into the operating room and ask the head surgeon if you could make an incision or two or maybe do some stitch work as well because as fate would have it, as a kid, you always won at "Operation" and you used to play "Doctor" with your cousin every Christmas?

What could possibly go wrong?

When you go to Vegas do you ask the pit boss if you can deal a hand or two of Blackjack because coincidentally, you host a poker game for the boys every Sunday night and dealing cards to drunks in Vegas is probably just like dealing cards to drunks in your basement right?

When you're at a bar, do you go up to the bartender and ask if you could hop on over for a spell and make a few drinks because in addition to mastering the omelet back in college, you were also known to make a kick-ass Lemon Drop and they always asked you to be the bartender at parties because they thought you were funny, but in reality, they just wanted to keep you from being part of the party because they all hated your soon-to-be lawyer guts?

When you pass a cop on the side of the road giving someone a ticket, do you pull over and ask the officer if it would be OK if you could taze the guy because no kidding, you used to watch "Cops" all the time and you've always wanted to do that?

My guess is that the answer to all of the above is "No". And do you know why it's "No"? Because you are not a chef, a pilot, a fireman, a carney, a professional card dealer, a doctor, a bartender nor a cop.

Also not a cop 

You are most likely unqualified to perform any of those jobs and you know it. So why in tarnation would you feel inclined to pretend that you are a musician and ask to sit in with us? Are we musicians so far down on the totem pole of professionals, that our craft is viewed as being so easy to master that even a lawyer could do it?

Why don't you just stick to making sure all of the thieves, rapists and litterbugs are free to roam the streets, and leave the entertaining to the entertainers?

You probably don't know this WATOOMSIWYG, but there is a big difference between "playing" and "performing". It has taken us 15 years of arduous practicing and gigging to cultivate our voices and stage presence.  

But you wouldn't know that would you? You think that you can just saunter on stage with your $6000 guitar and play like you do at the party that your law firm throws in the Bahamas every year, and you'll be the darling of the evening don't you? You wanna be in the spotlight? Have a funeral, cause you ain't sittin' in with Vanilla Pop.


OK I'm Kidding. We'd love to have you sit in with us. 
Really.

As soon as my cat learns the Macarena.

Now go back to your office, make another six figures this year, and leave me alone.

But don't go just yet. I got a joke for you.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

Hahahahahaha!!! Boy do the doctor's love that one!
See you at the wedding WATOOMSIWYG!

All the best....

Al