Q: My girlfriend wants me to shave my nether region. What's up with that?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great.

Here's my issue. My girlfriend recently got her bikini line waxed, and afterwards, suggested that I do some trimming down there as well. When I asked why, she said she feels my under-carriage has gotten a bit out of control, and that a little spring cleaning might be a good thing. 

Now I'm all for making my girl happy, but honestly- I feel that it should be OK for a guy to be a bit hairy down there since we're men and all. I'm not into all that girly stuff and don't think it's fitting for a guy to do that to his nether regional area parts.

Can you back me up on this and explain to her that we're men, and that all that trimming and waxing stuff is not what we do? 

The thought of a pair of scissors anywhere near my willie gives me the willies.

Thanks in advance!

Sincerely,
I shouldn't have to trim anything right?

Dear ISHTTAR

I hear you loud and clear my furry friend.

You need to tell that high maintenance broad of yours to get off your back hair. If she wants someone who is less hirsute, she should go find a nice Asian boy.

You think Gimli had this problem? Hagrid? Chewbacca? No. All these chaps lived their lives comfortably in the bodies they were given. Yes they were all single, but I'm sure it was due to personality conflicts rather than issues with their body hair.

Let me take this opportunity to refer to the good book if I may. I believe history will back me up on this one.

Leviticus 19:27 states that:"Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard."

The New Century Translation adds:"Thou shalt also not inhibit that which grows freely underneath thine burlap sack."

I'm not 100% sure, but if I remember correctly, the 3rd Edition of the New Revised Standard Version also says:
"Thou shalt not be displeased with thine life vessel of which the Lord unto thee has given, nor of the life vessel of anyone in thine family or immediate circle of friends."
Or something like that.

How I interpret all of this, is that God is well aware of the historical link we have with our Neanderthal forefathers, and he'd prefer it if we stayed in touch with our evolutionary roots.

Here's a little analogy I've come up with:

Say you're in the forest. You're hiking in a lovely, little valley when quite unexpectedly, a storm approaches and the temperature suddenly begins to drop. While frantically seeking shelter, you spot a cave up ahead. You get to the cave only to find its entrance overrun by rambling thickets, vines and shrubbery. The opening is completely blocked, and unfortunately, you left your machete back in the car, so you're stuck out in the elements where you die a horrible death from exposure. Not good.

On the other hand, let's say there's a big tall obelisk blocking the entrance to that cave. You push it over to get inside, but it rolled back because you miscalculated the grade of the slope because you suck at math, and it is still blocking your path. Now if there was nothing growing around the base of this obelisk, there would be no cushion between it and the dirt, and the resulting friction would make it impossible to move. But.... if there was a hefty amount of flora surrounding said obelisk, it would be a lot easier to maneuver due to the fact that there would be ample vegetative buffering. You could procure your shelter and you'd live to hike another day. 

Do you understand what I'm getting at here?

This analogy might be a bit extreme and idiotic, but you get my point.

I'm sorry to say this ISHTTAR, but it seems like you've got quite the shallow and superficial woman on your hands. Since she has no problem asking you to change your appearance for her sake, then I think it's only fitting you do the same. Perhaps you should suggest that in addition to her new bikini line, she might also consider getting a nose job, some boob work, and maybe take a trip to the gym every once in a while. Those thighs ain't gonna tone themselves.

Our partners should take us as we are and not try to mold us into something they think we should be.

I think Billy Joel said it best:

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from my heart
I couldn't love you any better
I love you just the way you are.
(Except for that big nose and small boobs.)


Wishing you the hairy best...
Vanilla Pop