Q: Why does Herpes have more Facebook likes than Vanilla Pop?

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great, but I've been wondering, how come Herpes has more Facebook likes than you guys?

I mean it's not like herpes is talented or looks good in sequins. As far as I know, it doesn't do anything other than ruin your life.

I really don't understand how the hell anyone could actually like herpes. How about liking the Mumps? I could totally get with that. I mean what's not to like? Just saying the word is fun. Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps. 

Why so mumpy?

Plus all you get from the Mumps is a little headache, slight fever and a swollen face that'll make you look like Ted Kennedy or that fat guy from Game Of Thrones for a couple of days, not a shiny, festering, juice filled lesion that decides to show up the day before your date with that chick you met at the laundromat.

Last time I checked, Mumps had about half the "likes" Vanilla Pop has, and herpes has more than four times the amount you do.

Hopefully you'll publish my letter and we can get people to stop "liking" Herpes on Facebook. There's just no way it should be more popular than you guys.

Thanks in advance.

-A guy whose lip looks like it was gnawed on by a raccoon

Herpes could never rock this.

Q: How can I score an Asian wife?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great.

A friend of mine told me that Al just got back from a month long trip to Vietnam. Is this true? If so all I can say is I am soooo jealous! I've always wanted to go to Asia but unfortunately, I've just never been able to afford it. (Vanilla Pop must be doing really well!)

My question (for Al) is this:

Are Vietnamese girls as pretty in real life as they are on the Internet? How difficult is it to meet one, and are they all wanting to marry American guys so they can move here to the states to see an elevator and have a hamburger whenever they want? 

I've always had a thing for Asian women, but since there aren't a lot of them here in Muncie, I'm seriously thinking about scraping the funds together to make a trip over there. I just need to know that I'm definitely coming back with some Hamachi.

For the record I'm currently married to a lovely woman, but she's just so not Asian.

If you give me the green light, I'd like to book my flight and get a head start on the divorce proceedings ASAP.

Please let me know your thoughts on this matter.

Thanks!

Sincerely,
Tired of my non-Asian wife.

This would make me happy.

Q: Why the hell don't you New Mexico drivers ever use your damn turn signals?!

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I want to say how much I love your show. You guys are great.

Here's my issue. I moved to New Mexico from Little Rock Arkansas about a year ago, and have noticed that you New Mexico drivers rarely, if ever, use those things the rest of us refer to as "turn signals". I can't tell you how many times I've almost rear ended one of you clowns because you decided to turn on a whim at the last minute without using your blinker. Is it the altitude? The low wages? All that green chile? What?

Aside from being incredibly reckless, I feel that this sort of behavior is just plain rude and inconsiderate. I mean it's not like it takes a ton of effort to move the little turn signal stick up or down to let the guy behind you know what you're about to do.

Seriously. You people should all be driving rickshaws.

Sincerely,
Tired of people not using their turn signals

Q: Any tips on how to win the Powerball?

Dear Vanilla Pop: 

First off I just want to tell you how much I love your show. You guys are great.

So I remember you guys did that New Mexico Powerball commercial a few years ago (which was awesome BTW), and I'm wondering if the Powerball people possibly gave you any tips or pointers on how to win that thing.

I've been playing the Powerball for the past 4 or 5 years, and needless to say, I have yet to win any substantial amount of money, let alone the big jackpot. I'll get like 2 numbers in one game and 1 number in another if I'm lucky. Honestly...it's getting a little disheartening.

 

Aaarrrggghhhh!

Don't get me wrong- I enjoy the time spent fantasizing about what I'm going to do with all that money, like get that Bosley procedure and go to Disneyland. (Is it Disneyland or World that's in Florida?) The one in Florida is the one I'm talking about. I heard that the one in California is all rickety and vegetarian and stuff.

Anyway, every week when they draw the winning numbers, like clockwork I come up empty handed.

Here's my offer:

I will totally give you guys a million dollars from my winnings if you can help me out. I've already blown through my kids college fund and we're one meal away from eating Tuna Helper Helper. Any advice or inside information you could give me would be hugely appreciated.

P.S. I've watched your TV commercial about a hundred times to see if I could pick up any secret code or message you may have been sending out, but I haven't really seen or heard anything other than that great song.
Thanks so much!

Sincerely,
Tired of losing at Powerball

Q: My girlfriend wants me to shave my nether region. What's up with that?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great.

Here's my issue. My girlfriend recently got her bikini line waxed, and afterwards, suggested that I do some trimming down there as well. When I asked why, she said she feels my under-carriage has gotten a bit out of control, and that a little spring cleaning might be a good thing. 

Now I'm all for making my girl happy, but honestly- I feel that it should be OK for a guy to be a bit hairy down there since we're men and all. I'm not into all that girly stuff and don't think it's fitting for a guy to do that to his nether regional area parts.

Can you back me up on this and explain to her that we're men, and that all that trimming and waxing stuff is not what we do? 

The thought of a pair of scissors anywhere near my willie gives me the willies.

Thanks in advance!

Sincerely,
I shouldn't have to trim anything right?

Q: We have no black people on our wedding guest list. Should we be concerned?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off, I just want to say that I love your show. You guys are great.
 I'm getting married next year and after looking over the guest list, my fiancé and I just realized that there are no black people on it. Not a single one.

It's not that we don't want any black people there, it's just that we don't know any.

Bob doesn't think it's a big deal, but I'm worried that our friends and family might think that we're racist or something.

Should we be concerned about this issue or is it really no big deal? The wedding is less than 6 months away and I'm getting a little nervous.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!
-Worried About Looking Like A Racist

PS- We wouldn't mind a few gay people as well to round things out. 


     








 

Q: Which one of you is the top and which is the bottom?

Just wondering.

Thanks.

-Curious

Q: Why is Chinese mustard sold in such small jars?

Dear Al & Les-

First off I want to say how much I enjoy your show. You guys are great.

Here's my issue...
I'm a big fan of the mustard. Particularly the Chinese type. I put it on practically everything. But how come you can you only buy Chinese mustard in those little 3.5 oz. jars? Why don't they come in regular sized bottles? Or better yet, in big jugs like the yellow kind? That would be awesome. Seems like I'm always driving to the store to buy more. This is what I'm talking about...

Not fair

Ridiculous right?
Any info would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!
-Slather Me In Mustard

PS - Also wondering why the yellow mustard squeeze bottle lets out a stream of mustard juice before any real mustard comes out. It's totally gross.

Thanks again!

Q: How can I sport threads like you guys without looking like a complete idiot?

Dear
Vanilla Pop:

First off, I just want to say that I love your show. You guys are great.

Here's the deal: I just got out of colege and landed my first full time job. I'm in sales so I don't have to worry about putting on a uniform like my freinds who work at Applebee's.(Suckers!) Everythings pretty cool, but I feel that my wardrobe lacks luster. I don't feel like I have any personel style and I just can't seem to dial in a look that I'm comfterble with.

I love the outfits you guys wear at your shows. My question is- How can I where the kind of clothes you guys wear without my freinds and co-workers giving me a hard time? I really like the feel of polyester against my skin (I go commando like you do Al), but my friennds all tell me that I'm way behind the times.

What are the times anyway? You guys look so good in your flashy threads, and I always see you guys talking to the chicks and getting free drinks.

They say that clothes make the man and I need to get made real bad.

Looking foreward to your fashion advice.

Sincerely,
So Tired Of My Outfits.

 

PS - I've included a photo of my latest outfit. Anxious to hear what you think.