Q: How can I sport threads like you guys without looking like a complete idiot?

Dear
Vanilla Pop:

First off, I just want to say that I love your show. You guys are great.

Here's the deal: I just got out of colege and landed my first full time job. I'm in sales so I don't have to worry about putting on a uniform like my freinds who work at Applebee's.(Suckers!) Everythings pretty cool, but I feel that my wardrobe lacks luster. I don't feel like I have any personel style and I just can't seem to dial in a look that I'm comfterble with.

I love the outfits you guys wear at your shows. My question is- How can I where the kind of clothes you guys wear without my freinds and co-workers giving me a hard time? I really like the feel of polyester against my skin (I go commando like you do Al), but my friennds all tell me that I'm way behind the times.

What are the times anyway? You guys look so good in your flashy threads, and I always see you guys talking to the chicks and getting free drinks.

They say that clothes make the man and I need to get made real bad.

Looking foreward to your fashion advice.

Sincerely,
So Tired Of My Outfits.

 

PS - I've included a photo of my latest outfit. Anxious to hear what you think.

 

 

DEAR STOMO:

 

First off- quit your job immediately and go back to skool. You spell like a cabbie. (Who the hell hired you anyway?)

Secondly let me set the record straight- I don't know where you get your information, but I don't go "commando" during Vanilla Pop shows. The reason for this is that women can't seem to keep their hands to themselves when I'm on the dance floor interacting with the crowd. There's always the occasional grope when I'm out there, and I need at least one line of defense against you perverts, albeit a thin one. Please quash that rumor. Now...

 

 Please tell me you pulled that picture from the internet. Do you honestly walk around in that getup?

 

Here's the thing...the reason we pull off our wardrobe is because it's a show dummy. (Not a "Show Dummy" but a show. Dummy. It's a stage performance, theater, it's show biz and make believe. All of these things are not real life. They are exaggerations of reality honed down to a precise interpretation of what they are meant to emulate if not completely and unabashedly imitate on a grander scale.

"Parody" is the word I'm looking for here.

 

Vanilla Pop In Costume

We wear what we wear because it is our job to wear what we wear and to be larger than life when we wear what we wear. But we don't actually go out and buy milk in our outfits because they're costumes you knucklehead. Do you think Gene Wilder went around dressed up like Willie Wonka? Of course he did. But he had problems. He also made enough money off that movie to afford to hire a few Oompah-Loompahs to hang around with him at home so the whole thing didn't look too crazy.

The bottom line is that you can't possibly pull off what we pull off because you are you. Unless you never want to feel the touch of a woman again, I'd stay clear of wearing anything with sequins, rhinestones or sparkly thingamajigbobs. Also, those pants make you look like you just had a nice poop. MC Hammer called- ... don't worry, he doesn't want those pants back, he just wants to slap you for being way too white to wear that ridiculous outfit.

As I look closer at that picture of you (if it really is you), I can also see that you are most probably a complete douche.(I suggest buying a copy of my publication: "How To Not Look Like A Complete Douche.")

Buy This Book!

Call it intuition, but my guess is that you are still doing beer bongs and watching NASCAR. Did I get that right? Of course I did. I can read people a mile away, and you my friend...are a book that needs a complete re-write. Unfortunately, "How To Not Look Like A Complete Douche." may be problematic for you since it contains many words with more than two syllables. Get your mom to read it to you.

As I look even CLOSER at that picture of you, it looks like you Photoshopped Mitt Romney's teeth over your own. That picture reeks of Mormon food particles. That doesn't even make sense but then again, neither does your question.

Do me a favor and stop living the lie. If you just rely on your natural persona and let the true you come out for just a moment, you'll find that being a douche has its advantages. The first one being that you guys usually get the hot girls because that's what hot girls like...douches. 

In closing, be true to yourself, leave the costumes to the pros and for crying out loud take off those parachute pants pronto. But please put on some underwear first. Wait...you can't do that without first taking your pants off can you? OK- take off your pants, then put on a pair of drawers, then put the pants back on and take them off again. That was easy huh?

 

Good luck.
-Al Dente

PS - And stop being so douchy.