Q: We have no black people on our wedding guest list. Should we be concerned?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off, I just want to say that I love your show. You guys are great.
 I'm getting married next year and after looking over the guest list, my fiancé and I just realized that there are no black people on it. Not a single one.

It's not that we don't want any black people there, it's just that we don't know any.

Bob doesn't think it's a big deal, but I'm worried that our friends and family might think that we're racist or something.

Should we be concerned about this issue or is it really no big deal? The wedding is less than 6 months away and I'm getting a little nervous.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!
-Worried About Looking Like A Racist

PS- We wouldn't mind a few gay people as well to round things out. 


     








 



Dear WALLAR:

You definitely have a problem.

As if weddings weren't stressful enough, I'm sure the last thing you expected to deal with was the color scheme of your guest list. Not only will having an all white wedding make you look like a bigot in the eyes of your guests, but the last thing you want at any wedding is a dance floor filled with nothing but white people.

Vanilla Pop has done several "all white" weddings and let me tell you..seeing that dance floor white washed in a sea of pale is a horrific experience. Imagine a room a filled with two hundred epileptic chickens that are standing on a bed of hot coals. Now electrocute them. That's what it's like.

So trust us...you definitely want a few black dancers at your wedding as they will naturally draw attention away from all the white dancers at your wedding.

Imagine 200 of these guys on the dance floor

 
There's another benefit to this as well, and that is that us white folk actually tend to dance better when there's a black person in the vicinity. It helps us keep better time. We become easily confused when dancing among other white people, and somehow lose what little rhythm we have. It's even worse if the Hip Hop music starts a-playing. That's usually when we excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom or fake an aneurysm.
 
In addition to being rhythmically challenged, we also have no natural dance moves. We've never had an original thought when it comes to dancing, and have always had to rely on copying and emulating. Having even one black person on the dance floor will help all of us out. If you don't believe me, next time you're at a club, check out the white people scooting a boot and see for yourself. Notice how we never really seem to be in the moment? We never really seem to be "feeling it"?  That's because we're too preoccupied with watching the black guy next to us defy gravity without rupturing his scrotum. 

Unfortunately the only kind of dancing we're good at is Ice Dancing. So unless your reception is on a skating rink, we're siding with you on this one and advise you to get a few black people invited pronto.

This we can do

You say you don't know any black people, so how do you fix this problem? Easy.

You'll need to hire a Wedding Negro.
Yeah I know. Oddly retro right? When was the last time you heard that word? I think "The Wedding African American" just didn't have the same ring to it, and the other word is just bad for business.


The Wedding Negro industry has been helping you people for the past 10 years or so, and has become an indispensable service for any wedding or other type of function that is looking to join the rest of us here in the 21st century. 
 
Lucky for you we just happen to know the best in the business.
 
His name is Jesse ("theweddingnegro.com"), and he practically wrote the book on the business.

The process is simple. You hire Jesse; he shows up at your wedding (he's dashing in a tux BTW), and will act like he's known you for the better part of 5 years or so. His base rate includes an appearance for roughly 2.5 hours. That usually covers the ceremony, dinner and some dance time. But he does have varying packages depending on your individual needs.

For instance, if you want him to act like you guys have been friends since high school- he can do that no problem. Just play along with all the messed up stories he starts yammering on about. If you want him to bring a "wife" or even a couple of "kids", he offers that deal as well. He also has the "Jealousy Package" if you want to ruffle your new husband's feathers a bit. He'll pretend to have dated you back in college, act all heart broken at the sight of you in a wedding dress and make out with you in the men's room. One of your husband's friends is bound to catch you and then boy do the hijinks ensue! The additional fee is a bit high as it covers emergency medical insurance for 24 hours.
 

Jesse- the best

We've worked with Jesse many times and he's a gem. He's got a great sense of humor, graduated Magna Cum Something from Charlottesville, is easy on the eyes and has no weird dietary restrictions other than keeping Kosher for the high holidays. (Did I mention he's also Jewish? Oy Yay!)

Naturally there's a major up charge if you also want him to flaunt the whole Jew thing, but you'd be killing two birds with one stone. Think about it- a black Jew at your wedding? Come on...tell me your friends won't be totally envious at how liberal and progressive you are!
 

Yo Vey!

Right now he's based out of Atlanta, but I know for a fact that he travels for out of town gigs regularly. But don't dilly-dally. Just like Vanilla Pop, if you want the best- you need to call him ASAP. The Republican National Convention is coming up and he usually gets booked solid during that time. If you book him online, use the code "someofmybestfriends" for a 10% discount. 

One more thing...a black man at a white wedding will most likely throw your bridesmaids into a complete hormonal frenzy. From what I've seen in the past, they will barely be able to contain themselves, and all the white guys will be relegated to dancing in the shadows with your ugly friends. Just thought you should know.
 

Expect a lot of this when Jesse shows up

That's about it. I hope you found this information helpful, but before we part ways, I do have a question for you...
Do you only keep one kind of bagel in the house? Of course not. You probably buy a few sesame, some cinnamon raisin, a blueberry or two for the kids, and a couple of pumpernickel's right? You get a nice well rounded assortment because no one wants plain bagels all the time every time.

Do you get where I'm coming from? I hope so.
Expand your horizons WALLAR and try a few new moves every once in awhile. You may be surprised at just how well you can dance.
 
Good luck with your big day.
 
Mazel-Tov!
Al & Lester

P.S. Sorry but all of our gay friends are already booked for next year.

Friends are like Bagels. Mix it up for a life more delicious.