Q: It looks like Al is getting on in years. How does he keep up?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great.

I first caught your act at the old Martini Grille in Albuquerque around 15 years ago, and was immediately blown away. Your energy and dedication to the performance was inspiring to say the least. At that moment...I became a fan for life.

Unfortunately soon afterwards, I was forced to move back to NY to take care of my aging father. Let me tell you, there is nothing worse than having to give your dad his daily sponge bath while trying to convince him that you are the NOT Maria Von Trapp from The Sound of Music.

Dad managed to hang on for quite a number of years (which I will never get back by the way), and all the while I found myself pining for the days of Vanilla Pop shows back home in NM.

Eventually he let go, and I was finally able to come back to NM last summer. To my surprise...you guys are still doing your show! I came out to see Vanilla Pop last month, and was still as entertained as I was the first time I saw you guys. Thank you.

I can't tell you how impressed I am that you guys have lasted this long, but my question is this:

How has Al managed to keep up with such a physically demanding career?

He is obviously at least 10 years older than you Lester, and his age definitely seems to be showing. All that lifting of equipment and late night partying must be tough on that guy at this stage in the game, and I'm wondering...how much longer can he hang in there?

Don't worry, I'll still come out to see Vanilla Pop as often as I can because you guys are still the best act in town, but I wouldn't be surprised if Al just keeled over one night mid- verse.

Thanks again!

Sincerely,
Wondering how old guys like you keep up.

Dear WHOGLYKU:

Hey there. This is Al. Since your question is directed at me, I thought I should be the one to respond.

 

With one hand I could

First of all, I'm pretty sure I could kick your ass any hour of any day, week, month or year. From your picture it looks like you have the arms of a chubby little 19 year old girl. Plus, any guy who regrets going back home to care for an aging parent is not a man in my book, and deserves to have the snot kicked out of him for being a sniveling, whining, ungrateful maggot of an ill-conceived son.


Now to your question.

There are three things that keep me going strong: 
The genes, the gym and the juicing.
 
I used to call it "The Three G's". Then someone pointed out that I can't spell.
 

Luckily, I have a healthy dose of Germanic genes inside this bag of bones. (There's a bit of Italian in there as well which keeps my knuckles good and hairy.)

Now I'm not saying that the Aryan race is superior. It's no secret that we have a history of picking the unwinnable fight, and making cars that require a second mortgage just to change the spark plugs, but we age well and slowly. Part of this is due to the fact that we lack any amount of melanin- the stuff that lets you tan. This prevents us from going out in the sun, which as we all know is a killer. No German has ever gotten skin cancer. And although we might be the palest race, we are also the least wrinkled race.

But what really keeps us Germans going is the fact that our ancestors invented the processed cold cut.

A nice German breakfast

Since the mid 1800's, our fore-fathers have been eating so many sliced meats crammed full of so many preservatives, that they were eventually able to pass them down genetically to the next generation. This had a cumulative effect, and today- almost 200 years later, the modern day German is comprised of almost 52% hardened, cured deli meat.

If you don't believe me, go dig up any Kraut corpse and you'll see what I'm talking about. A diet of nothing but knockwursts, bratwursts and shmatwursts will keep a German mummified for eons after they're six feet under. 

For the record, my
Grandmother was still distilling her own schnapps, making 10 strudels a day and beating das crap out of me well into her 90's. Genetics is the key to me still being ausgezeichnet you selfish prick.
 

 

  

The gym of course is a no brainer. Back in the olde timey days, you stayed in shape by building your own log cabin, slaughtering your own beef jerky and hoeing a garden until your arms fell off. Today, with modern marvels like apartment buildings and super markets, we have grown too accustomed to a life of convenience, and it shows. This country is frighteningly out of shape. Luckily for the rest of us, the obese are not walking around naked thanks to the invention of size 6X.

Zumba?

My theory is that if you're going to hump 1200 pounds of gear in and out of a show every weekend, you've got to do it on your off days as well. The last thing I need is something rupturing or popping out of me unexpectedly. I don't need no stinkin' surprises. 

As far as juicing goes, the health benefits of this craze have been well documented and I adhere to a strict daily regimen of pulpy, dirt infused concoctions containing a wide variety of ingredients. I've come up with my own unique series of recipes, all based on the letters of the alphabet. Each day, I make a smoothie with three ingredients, all of which begin with the same letter. For example:

Day one: "A"
Apple, avocado, Absolut
Day two: "B"
Beets, blueberries, Belvedere
Day three: "C"
Carrots, cucumber, Chopin and so on.

 

I know. Adding vodka to my dirt shake would seem to be counter productive to the whole "healthy living" thing. But it's simple really. It kills two birds with one stone. As soon as you hit the 50 year mark, your life-clock starts ticking much faster. I can't be wasting what little time I have left going through all the trouble of making a cocktail every morning, when I can just add the booze right into my dirt shake.

Convenience paired with time management is the key to smart living in your golden years. A little vodka also keeps me in a perpetual state of slight inebriation, and at my age...the less I know how old I feel...the better.

So there you have it WHOGLYKU- my secret to maintaining a 15 year career in show business.

I'm not saying that I'm as sprightly as I was back in 2000. We actually did hire a roadie last year, and I do my best to be in the bathroom whenever the heavy stuff needs to be moved, but like I said...I'll take you on any day of the week. As long as I'm loaded and can have a nap afterwards.

Hope you found this information helpful, and please...let me know where and when you want that ass whooping you ungrateful, should never have been born, no son of mine with flabby little girl arms loser.

Hope to see you at another show real soon!
-Al "Can Still Beat You To A Pulp" Dente

Still going like it's 2001