First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great, but I've been wondering, how come Herpes has more Facebook likes than you guys?
I mean it's not like herpes is talented or looks good in sequins. As far as I know, it doesn't do anything other than ruin your life.
I really don't understand how the hell anyone could actually like herpes. How about liking the Mumps? I could totally get with that. I mean what's not to like? Just saying the word is fun. Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps Mumps.
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| Why so mumpy? |
Plus all you get from the Mumps is a little headache, slight fever and a swollen face that'll make you look like Ted Kennedy or that fat guy from Game Of Thrones for a couple of days, not a shiny, festering, juice filled lesion that decides to show up the day before your date with that chick you met at the laundromat.
Last time I checked, Mumps had about half the "likes" Vanilla Pop has, and herpes has more than four times the amount you do.
Hopefully you'll publish my letter and we can get people to stop "liking" Herpes on Facebook. There's just no way it should be more popular than you guys.
Thanks in advance.
-A guy whose lip looks like it was gnawed on by a raccoon
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| Herpes could never rock this. |
DEAR AGWLLLIWGOBAR:
To start off, both Lester and I want to express our sympathy regarding your malady.
We here at Vanilla Pop industries understand the hurdles fans face when confronted with the psychological challenges and social torment that come with being careless with whom you shack up with. Being shunned and ridiculed as a sexual outcast in a public setting (Vanilla Pop show), is not easy on anyone, and our hearts go out to you.
Secondly, we'd like to thank you for your concern regarding our Facebook "like" status in comparison to that of your gross, debilitating disease.
Herpes has two things going for it that Vanilla Pop doesn't:
- Herpes has been around a lot longer than we have.
- Herpes will be around a lot longer than we will.
You can't compete with the facts.
As we all know, Herpes loves you long time and always seems to be there like an obnoxious roommate or a bad haircut. If you've got it, you have to do your best to like it and make friends with it because it's not going to walk out the door or grow back anytime soon. Actually in your case I guess it will grow back, so forget that reference.
The people who are "liking" Herpes on Facebook are probably infected, and are just letting others know that they acknowledge and accept that fact. They need to "like" their Herpes if they are to come to terms with their carelessness. You know that saying- "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer"? It's kinda like that but not really. It's more along the lines of this tidbit of sage advice regarding acceptance:
Herpes type 1, has been around for over 2,000 years. Back in Olde Timey Rome, they actually banned kissing for some time because so many people had cold sores. Apparently oral sex and sodomy were still OK, which undoubtedly led to the evolution of Herpes type 2, which is another letter for another time.
Thank you Romans
Oddly enough Herpes isn't the only thing more popular than Vanilla Pop. Here are a few other things we dug up which have surpassed us in the "like" department.
Once just a common roofing material, Shingles is now another variation of your disease. The high number of "likes" surprises me since unlike Herpes type 1 which is mostly relegated to the mouth, Shingles will make you miserable over your entire body, forcing you to wrap yourself in gauze and spring for the bigger, more expensive bottle of concealer should you dare take off your shirt.
Odds of Vanilla Pop eventually being liked more than Shingles: 35%
Lyme Disease (7500+ likes)
Once you get Lyme Disease, all you can do is tell other people you have Lyme Disease. Its Facebook allure is understandable due to the fact that back in the 90's, having Lyme Disease was a status symbol, which let everyone know that you are the outdoorsy type. "I must have caught it while hiking."
Odds of Vanilla Pop eventually being liked more than Lyme Disease: 20%
For those of you unfamiliar with this affliction, scabies is the result of tiny mites burrowing under your skin just to hang out and deposit a few hundred eggs. It's like being in the movie "Alien" without having something bust through your stomach during dinner, and without getting to hang out with Sigourney Weaver. Even though we are on par to beat scabies in the "like" department, it unsettles me that we are currently trailing since we've been known to get under people's skin as well.
Odds of Vanilla Pop eventually being liked more than Scabies: 90%
Diarrhea & Dysentery
We've lumped these two together because they're essentially related. Diarrhea is just plain old Diarrhea, but Dysentery is Diarrhea with blood. More than 4,000 people like Diarrhea, but fittingly, only around 240 people like Dysentery. The sharp decline in "likes" when it comes to the latter is a no-brainer, but I still think we should be more popular than regular Diarrhea.
Odds of Vanilla Pop eventually being liked more than Diarrhea: 18%
Odds of Dysentery eventually being liked more than Vanilla Pop: -0.5%
My Grandfather was Narcoleptic.
He was also a pilot.
It was a nice funeral.
Odds of Vanilla Pop eventually being liked more than Narcolepsy: 21%
It's taken Vanilla Pop 15 years to amass 1000+ likes. Then Zika comes along and within a few months- blows us away. How it got so popular so soon I'll never know, but I guess when you're the new kid on the block, everyone's a bit curious.
Odds of Vanilla Pop eventually being liked more than the Zika Virus: 50%
Multiple Orgasms (400+ likes)
I'll take the win, but why this only has 400+ likes is beyond me. All I know is that we are probably more popular because we are louder.
Odds of Multiple Orgasms eventually being liked more than Vanilla Pop: 20%
Mucus (350+ likes)
Finally a condition we can beat hands down. Take that Mucus! I personally think that if people knew how much mucus looked like an aerial view of the Florida keys, they would like it even more.
Odds of Mucus eventually being liked more than Vanilla Pop: 5%
Finally a condition we can beat hands down. Take that Mucus! I personally think that if people knew how much mucus looked like an aerial view of the Florida keys, they would like it even more.
Odds of Mucus eventually being liked more than Vanilla Pop: 5%
Mucinex (690,000+ likes, over 7000 Twitter followers)
I know this falls into the "drug" category, but any company that can figure out how to use snot as a brand mascot, deserves a big "thumb up". We decided to like it as well, and will gladly play second fiddle to a family of boogers.
Odds of Vanilla Pop eventually being liked more than Mucinex: 0%
Those are just a few maladies, afflictions, diseases and conditions which have managed to garner more Facebook likes than we have. Like Herpes, perhaps our notoriety will spread one day AGWLLLIWGOBAR, and we will have the acclaim and recognition you feel that we deserve.
Until then, we'll just keep singing, and you can just keep skulking in the shadows with your hand in front of your mouth while continuing to have complete disregard for whom you shag.
Thanks again for you letter!
Vanilla Pop -More popular than Dysentery
1 comments :
Best ever. I love you guys.
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