Q: Can you please tell people to stop?

I really don't care if anyone knows where I live. What I can't stand is that idiotic song people sing when they ask each other if they know me. 

Any chance you guys could write a new one?

Thanks.

The Muffin Man
Drury Lane

Q: All my friends have gotten lucky at your shows. Why can't I score?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off, I just want to say that I love your show. You guys are great.

Here's my problem: for some reason I just can't seem to hook up at any of your gigs. It's unfathomable because there are just so many women at your shows. All of my friends have gotten lucky over the past few years, while I have gone home to the hand. I think that I'm attractive, a good conversationalist and would make a good catch. What am I doing wrong?

I hate to sound desperate but I'm desperate.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.
Awash In Self Love.

Pondering my loneliness

Q: Why is Chinese mustard sold in such small jars?

Dear Al & Les-

First off I want to say how much I enjoy your show. You guys are great.

Here's my issue...
I'm a big fan of the mustard. Particularly the Chinese type. I put it on practically everything. But how come you can you only buy Chinese mustard in those little 3.5 oz. jars? Why don't they come in regular sized bottles? Or better yet, in big jugs like the yellow kind? That would be awesome. Seems like I'm always driving to the store to buy more. This is what I'm talking about...

Not fair

Ridiculous right?
Any info would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!
-Slather Me In Mustard

PS - Also wondering why the yellow mustard squeeze bottle lets out a stream of mustard juice before any real mustard comes out. It's totally gross.

Thanks again!

Q: If there is a God, why did he allow Wilson Pickett to write "Mustang Sally"?

 

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off, I just want to say that I love your show. You guys are great.

Here's my issue:

For the record, I wouldn't really call myself a true "believer". I mean how did Noah figure out how to keep the rabbits from just taking over the whole ship right?

But if there is a God, why on his good green Earth did he let Wilson Pickett write a song like "Mustang Sally"? Have you listened to that thing? It's absolute torture. It makes me wonder if God is a sadist.

Is God a sadist?

Thanks guys!

-Wondering whether or not God is a sadist.