Q: Can I sit in with the band?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just want to tell you how much I love your show. You guys are great.

Anyway, you guys are performing for my sister's wedding next September, and I was wondering... what are the chances of me sitting in with you guys for a couple of numbers? I'm an attorney by trade, but I've always loved music, I'm a decent guitar player, and I've been told I have a pretty good voice.

I've looked over your song list and there are at least 10 or so that I could do right off the bat. I think people would really enjoy seeing me play with you guys for a few songs. (Or even a whole set if that's cool.)

Thoughts?

Sincerely,
What are the odds of me sitting in with you guys?

Me jamming at home.

Q: Any tips on how to win the Powerball?

Dear Vanilla Pop: 

First off I just want to tell you how much I love your show. You guys are great.

So I remember you guys did that New Mexico Powerball commercial a few years ago (which was awesome BTW), and I'm wondering if the Powerball people possibly gave you any tips or pointers on how to win that thing.

I've been playing the Powerball for the past 4 or 5 years, and needless to say, I have yet to win any substantial amount of money, let alone the big jackpot. I'll get like 2 numbers in one game and 1 number in another if I'm lucky. Honestly...it's getting a little disheartening.

 

Aaarrrggghhhh!

Don't get me wrong- I enjoy the time spent fantasizing about what I'm going to do with all that money, like get that Bosley procedure and go to Disneyland. (Is it Disneyland or World that's in Florida?) The one in Florida is the one I'm talking about. I heard that the one in California is all rickety and vegetarian and stuff.

Anyway, every week when they draw the winning numbers, like clockwork I come up empty handed.

Here's my offer:

I will totally give you guys a million dollars from my winnings if you can help me out. I've already blown through my kids college fund and we're one meal away from eating Tuna Helper Helper. Any advice or inside information you could give me would be hugely appreciated.

P.S. I've watched your TV commercial about a hundred times to see if I could pick up any secret code or message you may have been sending out, but I haven't really seen or heard anything other than that great song.
Thanks so much!

Sincerely,
Tired of losing at Powerball

Q: My girlfriend wants me to shave my nether region. What's up with that?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great.

Here's my issue. My girlfriend recently got her bikini line waxed, and afterwards, suggested that I do some trimming down there as well. When I asked why, she said she feels my under-carriage has gotten a bit out of control, and that a little spring cleaning might be a good thing. 

Now I'm all for making my girl happy, but honestly- I feel that it should be OK for a guy to be a bit hairy down there since we're men and all. I'm not into all that girly stuff and don't think it's fitting for a guy to do that to his nether regional area parts.

Can you back me up on this and explain to her that we're men, and that all that trimming and waxing stuff is not what we do? 

The thought of a pair of scissors anywhere near my willie gives me the willies.

Thanks in advance!

Sincerely,
I shouldn't have to trim anything right?

Q: Should I be concerned about a restaurant messing with my food?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great.

Ever since a friend of mine who used to work in the restaurant industry told me that she and the staff would do gross things to people's food if the customer was rude or just high maintenance, I find it difficult to go out to eat.

I think I'm a pretty good customer when I dine out, but still, it makes me a bit nervous that I might be eating something which has been tampered with.

Should I be concerned?

Thanks guys!

Sincerely,
Nervous about going out to eat

Q: Do You Miss Me?

Dear Al:

Remember last summer when I'd wake you up every morning at 2AM? I'd make all that racket then go silent as soon as you came out of your bedroom? You'd look all over the place for me and I'd be there under one of your stupid philodendrons just cracking up. You should see yourself at that hour shuffling around in your jammies with a flashlight in one hand and a spatula in the other. You're a riot Al.

I took this shot of you last summer

Anyway, just thought I'd let you know that I haven't left. It's December and I'm still in your living room sucking up some of this good ol' heat. Thanks pal.

To be honest I'm just biding my time until the girls show up next spring. Can't wait to see your face when I start rubbing these ol' gams together once more.

Get some sleep while you can.

Sucker!

Sam
-The cricket hiding who knows where in your house

Sometimes I also like to read your books

Q: Quarantined...Should We Get A Cat Or A Dog?

Dear Vanilla Pop:
 
First off I just wanna say that my wife and I both love your show. You guys are great.

Here’s my question:
When the whole self quarantining thing started a few weeks ago, my wife and I thought it would be nice to spend some quality “alone” time together- away from work and the commute, and without the hassle of entertaining our friends who always love popping in unexpectedly. The situation was fine for a few weeks, but now we are beginning to get on each other’s nerves. One evening my wife suggested that perhaps we should get a pet of some sort just to mix things up y’know?
The problem is...we can't decide whether to get a cat or a dog. What would be your preference?


Thanks!
Cat Or Dog

Decisions, decisions...

Q: How come you guys don't use a live drummer?

Dear Vanilla Pop:
First off, I just want to say that I love your show. You guys are great.

My friends and I have always been curious...how come you guys choose to use pre-recorded drum tracks during your shows as opposed to having a real drummer? You are both such talented musicians, I'd think that any drummer would chomp at the bit to play with you guys.

Not saying you guys NEED a drummer. Just curious as to why you don't HAVE a drummer.

Thanks!-Wondering why you guys don't have a drummer.
P.S. I'm a drummer

Me

Q: It looks like Al is getting on in years. How does he keep up?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great.

I first caught your act at the old Martini Grille in Albuquerque around 15 years ago, and was immediately blown away. Your energy and dedication to the performance was inspiring to say the least. At that moment...I became a fan for life.

Unfortunately soon afterwards, I was forced to move back to NY to take care of my aging father. Let me tell you, there is nothing worse than having to give your dad his daily sponge bath while trying to convince him that you are the NOT Maria Von Trapp from The Sound of Music.

Dad managed to hang on for quite a number of years (which I will never get back by the way), and all the while I found myself pining for the days of Vanilla Pop shows back home in NM.

Eventually he let go, and I was finally able to come back to NM last summer. To my surprise...you guys are still doing your show! I came out to see Vanilla Pop last month, and was still as entertained as I was the first time I saw you guys. Thank you.

I can't tell you how impressed I am that you guys have lasted this long, but my question is this:

How has Al managed to keep up with such a physically demanding career?

He is obviously at least 10 years older than you Lester, and his age definitely seems to be showing. All that lifting of equipment and late night partying must be tough on that guy at this stage in the game, and I'm wondering...how much longer can he hang in there?

Don't worry, I'll still come out to see Vanilla Pop as often as I can because you guys are still the best act in town, but I wouldn't be surprised if Al just keeled over one night mid- verse.

Thanks again!

Sincerely,
Wondering how old guys like you keep up.

Q: Do you guys prefer skiing or snowboarding?

Dear Vanilla Pop:  

First off I just wanna say that I love your show. You guys are great.

I know you guys live up in Northern New Mexico (Taos right?), and I figure you guys either ski or snowboard because the skiing (and boarding) is really rad up there right? Anyway, I’m wondering if you like skiing more than snowboarding or like snowboarding more than skiing. 

I used to ski, but now I snowboard because it's totally rad! I know that if I lived up there I'd be boarding like crazy because it's totally rad.

What do you guys prefer?

Thanks for all the great shows guys, and keep Rockin'! (and boarding or skiing or whatever you like most!)

-Oscar "Shredder" Barrington III 

Dear OSB3-

Thanks for your inquiry. 

I feel your enthusiasm. Like you, I used to ski fairly regularly when I first moved to New Mexico. Then I too switched over to snowboarding a few years later due to the allure of its less confining nature and the fact that I could finally hang out with kids who had no job or prospects in life.

While I understand that skiing and/or snowboarding can be an addictive activity for some, I think I've become a bit more tempered when it comes to sports involving high speeds, trees and hospital bills.

But memories of days spent plummeting down a frozen sheet of ice linger, and I'd like to reminisce a bit if I may.

On an average ski day, I'd wake up, eat a hearty bowl of oatmeal, and load up the car with my $800 pair of skis, $450 pair of boots, $140 pair of poles and duffle bag stuffed with another $300 of accoutrements. Then I'd go back in the house and spend a half hour looking for my $180 pair of prescription ski goggles.

I'd finally hit the road around 7:30 and begin the short 45 minute drive in the ice and the snow up to the ski resort.


Upon arriving, I'd make sure to take a nice 20 minute drive around the ski valley so I could take in some sight seeing while I looked for a parking spot. If I was lucky I could carefully wedge myself between a couple of Hummers whose owners felt it was in their best interest to take up enough room for a boat.

While somehow managing to squeeze out the rear window, I'd begin the half-mile trek to the ticket "shack" while doing my best to hold on to 80 pounds of surprisingly non-cumbersome gear without slipping on the ice and impaling my head on some tree stump they forgot to pull out while stripping all vegetation from what I'm assuming was once a lush and verdant landscape.

As soon as I got to the "shack" I could work on regaining some circulation while I stood in line for another 10 minutes so I could have the privilege of coughing up $120 for a lift ticket which at that time was slightly less than a round trip flight to Vegas. 

After I got my ticket I'd make my way to the locker room while enjoying the suddenly balmy temperature of 17. It's a good thing they don't put the lockers anywhere near the ticket office or the lifts so I can get in a bit more sight seeing and exercise before I hit the slopes. This body ain't gonna get buff on its own.

After paying ten dollars for a locker and another five for a lock because I prefer leaving mine in the car, I could finally scope out a locker that didn't smell like a camel, get dressed, and get back to being excited about being too sore to move the next day.

TIME TO SUIT UP!

I'd put on my:

• 1st shirt layer for wicking
• 2nd shirt layer for insulating
• $100 Patagonia fleece made by some 9 year old in Bolivia for more insulating 
• $300 Ski Jacket to look good and for more insulating
• 1st layer of pants for wicking
• 2nd layer of pants for insulating
• Ski pants for more insulating
• 1st pair socks for wicking
• 2nd pair of socks for insulating
• Gloves
• Hat
• Goggles
• Neck thingy
• Helmet

And apply my:

• Lip balm
• Sun block

Once dressed, I'd go back outside to grab my:

• Boots
• Skis
• Poles

And made sure I had my:

• Money
• Flask
• Dope
• Phone
• Cigarettes
• Inhaler
• More money 
• ID 
• Contact info for next of kin

Then I'd go back inside to get the lift ticket that was still in my jeans.

Along with the key to my locker.

After paying twenty dollars to have them cut the lock, it was finally time to climb the 8 sets of stairs to the lift line while enjoying the suddenly balmy temperature of 19. It's a good thing it was warming up or I would have gotten a bit chilly standing in line as I waited another 15 minutes while the family from Texas in front of me figured out how to get on the chair lift without having to shoot it with a rifle to slow it down. 

Oh the humanity

UP I GO

Two and a half hours after leaving the house I was finally perched on the mountain's summit. The anticipation of slaloming between hundreds of other skiers while doing my best not to plow into a randomly placed pine tree or stoned teenager who might be in the middle of texting his friends or taking a selfie smack dab in the middle of the slope was absolutely exhilarating. 

Two runs later it was time for lunch. 

Grab a tray, stand in line and order a $12 burger, $3 bag of chips and an $8 beer. 

Then I start wondering why I don't just wear these ski boots all day every day around the house and in town because they're so darn comfortable and walking around in them is astonishingly easy and you barely feel a thing when you accidentally kick a table leg, and the kid who's wearing one of those charming, imitation "dread-locked Rasta" ski hats is suddenly also wearing his 48 ounce Dr. Pepper in his lap as his mother who's wearing a couple of Wookiee legs on her feet because she still thinks it's 1985, starts screaming at you like you just rear ended her Beemer demanding that you purchase another five dollar soda for her spoiled little privileged ski brat of a son because you should watch where you're going you idiot.
  

If you really need to wear these...

Think about those who suffer when you shop irresponsibly

As much as all of this was a total joy, I must say that my favorite part of the day was overheating like a '72 Völkswagen after I took a two minute run, then seizing up like glacier while waiting in line (again) to take the 12 and a half minute lift ride back to the top. The lift ride was always the part of the day I looked forward to the most, as I particularly enjoyed being pressed into conversation about 'skiing' by the skier crammed in the seat next to me, for I too love talking about dropping several thousand dollars to go down to South America when it is Summer here in North America in order to do some more skiing in July because it's Winter down there when it's Summer up here and skiing up here between November and April just isn't enough sometimes.

Don't Care If You Live Or Die?...
Try Snowboarding.

One last run

I was finally getting the hang of the whole "skiing" thing, when the insurance companies decided it was a good time to invent the "snowboard". I mean really, why would I want to have independent control of my legs when I can permanently lock both of my feet onto a something that is not encumbered with a silly little thing like a release mechanism? Never being one to shy away from a new experience, I thought I'd try it out to increase my chances of being a quadriplegic. 

While I did miss the comfort of my old ski boots, I found that having my shoulder ripped out of its socket the instant my snowboard decided to stop going downhill while still allowing my torso to continue towards the Earth's gravitational pull at 75 miles an hour to be just as enjoyable. Being slammed into a mountain without having the opportunity to adjust the trajectory of your face before impact is quite the rush. Dude. 

Honey, where are the pills?

I wish that I could have remained strapped into that board forever, but one run and two concussions later I decided that I should probably head home because that's where I kept my Vicodin. Plus I had other things I wanted to do like stick around for my 53rd birthday. So I called it a day and went back to something I knew how to do very well...lay on the couch.

Back in the comforting bosom of my living room wishing for a stroke to come take the pain away, I realized that I was faced with a dilemma. I couldn't decide if I liked skiing more than snowboarding or the other way around.
Then it dawned on me...
I hated both of those sports equally.

But just to make sure I wasn't missing the whole point of it all because of all the pain medication I was chowing, I decided to make a list comparing the benefits and downsides of skiing and snowboarding, vs. those of staying at home.

This is what I came up with:

• Skiing: Shell out $1200 on gear. Use 10 times a year.
• Staying Home: Shell out $75 on a steak dinner for your date. Do it once - get lucky
  
  
• Skiing: Juggle 80 pounds of gear and accessories
• Staying Home: Juggle evening's entertainment choice between Netflix or porn

• Skiing: Lose left glove that cost $70 for the pair online
• Staying Home: Lose at Scrabble that cost $5 at a yard sale

• Skiing: Be cold, then hot, then cold, then hot, then cold, then hot, then tired
• Staying Home: Be warm
  

• Skiing: Helmet
• Staying Home: No helmet
  
  
• Skiing: Choosing between a black diamond run which will kill you, or a double black diamond run which will kill you faster
• Staying Home: Choosing between Netflix and porn

After going over the list, I decided that staying home was a much more pragmatic approach to my life. I am currently enjoying my remaining cartilage and my 52-year standing record of no shattered anything.

I have every intention of extending that record for as long as possible.

In Closing

I'm very happy that you have found your true passion OSB3, as I believe that that is one of the key yet often times elusive ingredients for a life well lived. But at my age, if I want the "rush" that all you skiers and snowboarders talk about- I'll just read the book.

Hoping you survive to see another Vanilla Pop show...

-Al (spending quality time at home in his underwear) Dente

Q: We have no black people on our wedding guest list. Should we be concerned?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off, I just want to say that I love your show. You guys are great.
 I'm getting married next year and after looking over the guest list, my fiancé and I just realized that there are no black people on it. Not a single one.

It's not that we don't want any black people there, it's just that we don't know any.

Bob doesn't think it's a big deal, but I'm worried that our friends and family might think that we're racist or something.

Should we be concerned about this issue or is it really no big deal? The wedding is less than 6 months away and I'm getting a little nervous.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!
-Worried About Looking Like A Racist

PS- We wouldn't mind a few gay people as well to round things out. 


     








 

Q: Which one of you is the top and which is the bottom?

Just wondering.

Thanks.

-Curious

Q: Can you please tell people to stop?

I really don't care if anyone knows where I live. What I can't stand is that idiotic song people sing when they ask each other if they know me. 

Any chance you guys could write a new one?

Thanks.

The Muffin Man
Drury Lane

Q: All my friends have gotten lucky at your shows. Why can't I score?

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off, I just want to say that I love your show. You guys are great.

Here's my problem: for some reason I just can't seem to hook up at any of your gigs. It's unfathomable because there are just so many women at your shows. All of my friends have gotten lucky over the past few years, while I have gone home to the hand. I think that I'm attractive, a good conversationalist and would make a good catch. What am I doing wrong?

I hate to sound desperate but I'm desperate.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.
Awash In Self Love.

Pondering my loneliness

Q: Why is Chinese mustard sold in such small jars?

Dear Al & Les-

First off I want to say how much I enjoy your show. You guys are great.

Here's my issue...
I'm a big fan of the mustard. Particularly the Chinese type. I put it on practically everything. But how come you can you only buy Chinese mustard in those little 3.5 oz. jars? Why don't they come in regular sized bottles? Or better yet, in big jugs like the yellow kind? That would be awesome. Seems like I'm always driving to the store to buy more. This is what I'm talking about...

Not fair

Ridiculous right?
Any info would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!
-Slather Me In Mustard

PS - Also wondering why the yellow mustard squeeze bottle lets out a stream of mustard juice before any real mustard comes out. It's totally gross.

Thanks again!

Q: If there is a God, why did he allow Wilson Pickett to write "Mustang Sally"?

 

Dear Vanilla Pop:

First off, I just want to say that I love your show. You guys are great.

Here's my issue:

For the record, I wouldn't really call myself a true "believer". I mean how did Noah figure out how to keep the rabbits from just taking over the whole ship right?

But if there is a God, why on his good green Earth did he let Wilson Pickett write a song like "Mustang Sally"? Have you listened to that thing? It's absolute torture. It makes me wonder if God is a sadist.

Is God a sadist?

Thanks guys!

-Wondering whether or not God is a sadist.

Q: Why Do Hotels Put So Many Pillows On The Beds?

 

Dear Al & Les-

First off I just want to say how much I enjoy your show. You guys are great and my friends and I just love you.

I thought you guys you could answer my question since you guys travel a lot as I do and you guys probably stay in hotels like me when you guys are on the road.

My question is: Why do they put so many pillows on the darned beds?!

First of all, there are three or four big square ones against the headboard, then there are another six regular pillows that they give you to sleep with. That's no less than nine or ten pillows. Who the heck needs nine or ten pillows?

I'm finding it very hard to sleep and have been waking up with a strained neck and severe back pain every time I'm on the road.
 

I know the cheaper hotels don't do this, but I don't like those places because they use cheap toilet paper and are just icky.

Please tell me if you know the reason for this ridiculous practice.
Thanks guys!

Sincerely,
A girl who needs a good night's sleep.

Ouch! 

Q: How can I sport threads like you guys without looking like a complete idiot?

Dear
Vanilla Pop:

First off, I just want to say that I love your show. You guys are great.

Here's the deal: I just got out of colege and landed my first full time job. I'm in sales so I don't have to worry about putting on a uniform like my freinds who work at Applebee's.(Suckers!) Everythings pretty cool, but I feel that my wardrobe lacks luster. I don't feel like I have any personel style and I just can't seem to dial in a look that I'm comfterble with.

I love the outfits you guys wear at your shows. My question is- How can I where the kind of clothes you guys wear without my freinds and co-workers giving me a hard time? I really like the feel of polyester against my skin (I go commando like you do Al), but my friennds all tell me that I'm way behind the times.

What are the times anyway? You guys look so good in your flashy threads, and I always see you guys talking to the chicks and getting free drinks.

They say that clothes make the man and I need to get made real bad.

Looking foreward to your fashion advice.

Sincerely,
So Tired Of My Outfits.

 

PS - I've included a photo of my latest outfit. Anxious to hear what you think.